Teutonic Takeover:
Germans Abroad – Brits Bewildered
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NHS – The Ultimate German Travel Hack
Once upon a time, things were simpler. When Germans landed in England, it was clear what they were after: the Empire.
These days, it’s a little more nuanced – but arguably no less invasive. The tanks have been replaced by Lufthansa flights gliding into Heathrow, and outcome not troops, but retirees with orthopaedic shoes and a strong sense of entitlement.
For decades, Britain basked in the reassuring distance of the English Channel. It had kept out Napoleon, then Hitler, and more recently, the European Commission. Nothing could bring down the Empire – until the Germans discovered the NHS.
Because the modern German invader comes not with aggression, but with a deep respect for British queueing etiquette. He knows the bus schedule by heart and has bookmarked the GP’s location on Google Maps. His target? Not Westminster. Not the City. Certainly not Tower Bridge. No – the real jewel in the crown is the National Health Service.
While Brits politely rot on six-month waiting lists, Germans stroll into the surgery with a confident smile and a casually dropped “just visiting”. “Oh, you’re in pain? Come right in.” And just like that: new hip, free of charge. Courtesy of the British taxpayer. Very generous. Vielen Dank.
What’s more, for the enterprising German patient, this is not just about health – it’s a business model. The flight to England is cheap, the treatment is free, and if you happen to be privately insured back home, you might even get a kick-back bonus at the end of the year for being such a “low-cost” client. New joint, no bill, and a small thank-you from your insurer for staying healthy abroad. Efficiency, thy name is Deutschland.
And now that Brexit has turned the island metaphor into a literal mindset, the Brits retreat further into splendid isolation — while the Germans plan their next cheerful landing. This time with hiking boots, performance jacket, a thermos full of herbal tea, and a printed list of NHS services they’re allegedly not supposed to use.
So yes, the invasion has begun. Quiet, polite, and flawlessly efficient. Armed with punctuality, an advance directive, and a heart full of compassion.
Only the sense of humour remains ever so slightly incompatible. But that’s alright. As long as no one brings back the tanks.
Jet-Set Refugees: The Riesling Route to Britain
These days, if one wishes to enter Britain illegally, there are two well-trodden paths:
- In an overcrowded rubber dinghy, under cover of fog and furtive glances – or
- The … [Coming up soon]
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